We have two nuggets. Two beautiful, amazing, and loving nuggets. The way they arrived couldn't be more different....
The hubby and I were under the impression like most parents to be that all births were the same. That you had an o.b that just did their job. We didn't know we had choices and could essentially pick our birth (as long as health let us)
Well, before we had our daughter Jayla we had a miscarriage. They really are as hard to move forward from as you might think. We were planning our wedding which was a mere 2 months away and already had more than enough stress in our lives at that moment. I somehow felt responsible because I was upset when we found out we were having a baby. I cried and cried thinking about how different our lives were going to be. I was too selfish. I was not ready. But as the pregnancy went on the more relaxed and excited we got. Only to find after our stag and doe, and announcing it to people that the baby had died what looks like a month earlier. We had a missed miscarriage. Baby appeared to be 8-10 weeks although we thought we were over that scary point. I was immediately told how dangerous this was tome to have been carrying the baby for this long once it was no longer, and was given my choices. I was in shock. I was not ready to pick from any of the choices. To me they didn't seem like "choices". After waiting a few more days, and seeing nothing happen on it's own I had decided to go in for a D&C. My o.b at the time thought it was appropriate to give me an appointment, have me wait about 12 hours, just to be discharged and go home. I went back to work, apparently pretending that everything was alright. I got a call saying I needed to rush back to the hospital immediately before I got very sick. He ended up being there before I even got there. Surprise surprise. Oh, I forgot to mention I went to my family dr in between telling him what had happened and asking for a new dr. After being told he was the only one in the area who could do this, I was contacted by his people. Apparently everyone was afraid of being sued... I was given his apology, which I accepted because I felt obligated to, I was on a table naked about to be put under. When I woke up I was already crying. I couldn't stop, and was surprised at how emotional I was.
Anyways, our wedding was July 13th 2007, yes..that was a Friday the 13th. It gave us a distraction from the pregnancy that had become a distraction while planning the wedding in the first place. Our honeymoon was in August, although I seriously can not remember the date right now. I knew I was pregnant. I took about a bazillion tests before the honeymoon...and in case you were wondering, bazillion is a very accurate account...lol All of which came back negative. I did have a drink or two while at our all inclusive honeymoon, but still felt like I was reproducing. When we got back I had taken more tests to find out that yes, were were given a second chance. A chance to really relish in the journey were were lucky to be able to go through together. We were about to become something majour and new in our life...Mommy and Daddy.
We had picked a new o.b, because let's face it...our last experience obviously didn't make us feel great. I picked a woman, my reasoning is she would be compassionate of my history, and if anything was to come up again. I thought she would give women the birth they wanted, but didn't know they could ask for.
I had a very normal pregnancy. I got fat(ter), and loved it. :-) I threw up stomach acid every time I bent down, which was often as I had your dream job. I was a housekeeper at a hotel. It was glorious lol. I had pains in areas I never knew could be sore. My feet got flat, I couldn't catch my breath most of the time, and came the closest I have ever been to passing out. But I loved it. I love knowing there is a growing person in me. Yeah it's weird, get over it. I was getting especially big, and was told throughout my pregnancy starting at about 4 or 5 months that I was going to have a large american baby...whatever that means. I was constantly hounded about how I would end up in a c section because there was no way I could pass this baby through. When reading all those you're a pregnant lady books, I had always skipped over the c sections. That wasn't in my birth plan.
We were a whopping 5 days overdue when our induction day arrived. You'll find out why I hate inductions later on I'm sure. Since my o.b was there I didn't even have my pants off and gown on when she decided it was water breaking time. I was already feeling like this wasn't what I wanted, but thought this was how it went. I had to take off my pants just for her to do this, so she could leave. I was put on the drip and was on the road to the birth of our daughter. I never got a chance to build up my pain tolerance for the contractions naturally. I was not above an epidural. I was asking for it like a crazy lady. hahahaha. well not really, but I did ask for it. By the time I got it, I was amazed at whoever had invented this. As things progressed though I started feeling everything all over again. I found out I had what was called a walking epidural . I was 9 cm dilated. My o.b finally came in o visit me (her office is across the street) and at this time we had been in labour for 16 hours. She told me I had to take the c section because I had my water broken for over 16 hours (her fault, not mine I was thinking) and that if I didn't take her offer I would need medication to fight off infection, and would be left like this for 4 hours while she sent everyone home. I was dumb from pain. I believed everything she said.
I took the surgery. I cried and felt defeated, but I knew our daughter would be here soon. Our o.b took her sweet time coming to the OR. She was paged numerous times, and nurses were becoming upset. I was given my additional pain medication while waiting in the hall for her since she took so long. As soon as they gave it to me I felt like I was making a huge mistake, and wanted them to wheel me back downstairs. Once she came up, things were started, John (the hubby) was allowed in. He sat beside me the most scared he has ever been. The anesthesiologist wrapped warm sheets on me because I was shaking uncontrollably. She was very comforting. Then, Jayla was born. I never got to see her, she was not held over and dangled for me to see like on tv. John was not permitted to video tape her until they said so, and even then he was told to go after about maybe 30 seconds. It was cold. Once she was wrapped up I got her shoved in my face so close that I couldn't focus. Then they told me I had to go to recovery while my brand new baby girl was taken downstairs to get weighed and all that good stuff. I always pictured I would of been there for that.
John went with her. I was in recovery for a while longer than us ladies usually are. I could move but couldn't regain my feeling. After a long time they then discovered my iv was coming out and was leaking into my skin, not giving me the drugs I needed from getting out of surgery. Once everything was fine I got to go down to my room, bringing me by the room where my daughter was all alone. Oh I forgot to say that I was in recovery for so long (like 3+ hours) that John was told to come up and be with me. I remember being so out of it from being tired and drugged up that when they showed me here all I could say was "That's her?". I'm not sure what time, but she was brought to me to feed since I said I was breastfeeding. I couldn't even hold her. I needed the nurse to hold her to my breast because I was not there.
I sucked at breastfeeding. Or so I felt at that time. They took her away to let me sleep and recover while they brought her into their nursery. Her first intimate night was spent with nurses. She was fed formula, and I did not wake until they walked in my room just before 8am with that adorable little girl. I loved her. How was that even possible. I didn't even "know" her. Our families started coming in to meet her and to visit us. We had made this a very private affair. We not only didn't invite people to our birth, we told them to stay home. I felt I wasn't there to entertain anyone, and didn't want any pressure. Everyone was so excited to meet her, we were so happy to see our families and know that we had now become a family. Not just a family that our cats made us, but a real one with a real tiny person. She was born Thursday April 17th 2008 at 12:34am.
Fast forward. We've moved, and are living as a family. I've peed on the stick and it said you're pregnant lady. I went through my same emotions as the first time I was pregnant. I was crying with how our lives would change, again. I did everything with Jayla. I was never away from her. I was devoured by her being. We weren't telling anyone, since we were scared. My best friend knew because I needed someone to confide in. This time we took a much different approach. Midwives. You need to call as soon as you pee on the stick because they are harder to get into. So I made sure I got in contact with them before I really even realized we were pregnant again. Before my first meeting with them I had started bleeding. I went to the emergency room to find I had a closed cervix, and all appeared to be well. It was what they call a threatened miscarriage. I was sent home with an ultrasound scheduled the next day.
While at my u/s, I was made to drink water like they always make you, but when you're not far enough in a pregnancy they make you pee it out so you can have an internal u/s. As I was in the bathroom peeing, I looked in the toilet as I always do, but especially when suspecting a miscarriage and saw something that's not usually there. It was like a grey or purplish thing. I really have no idea how to describe it. I stared at it not knowing what to do since there were other people in the office, and just flushed it. When I got out I told the tech about it and she wanted to see it. But it was gone. We completed the u/s knowing what had already happened. I waited in the emergency again just to have a dr without feelings come in and tell me not to be upset. It wasn't even a baby yet. Very comforting. But I had already suspected it, and felt at fault again, since I had those same feelings.
Surprise surprise, we got preggers! And luckily since I had talked to the midwives with our last pregnancy, we were considered a repeat patient and was automatically accepted. The 1 time a technicality worked out in my favour...lol
We had another great and normal pregnancy. I got even fatter than our pregnancy with Jayla. I had acid coming out of my butthole...well not quite, but close enough. I was peeing myself all the friggen time. Yeah, that's sexy. It felt like my hips were dislocating on the daily. I read and read about what I had always wanted for my birth, but didn't know I could do. I educated myself and John so we felt in control. We knew we wanted to try for a vbac. I had always in the back of my mind been in awe of all the women I see having a home birth, especially a hbac (home birth after cesarean). I didn't really voice it until we were almost done our second trimester. I told John, at first he was a no go with this. Then after reading more he felt very strongly for my choice, and was there with me. We talked to the midwives, knew we were great candidates as we had a healthy pregnancy, and then just had to get our family on board, which is usually easier said than done. But for us, it wasn't about building or breaking bridges with our close ones, it was about getting that healing birth we wanted.
We rented a birthing tub that was in our room, but out of disbelief that we were actually having another kid we never set it up or tested it out. What can I say, we're what you call overly smart. lol. John is rushing to try and get this baby going, without showing me he's loosing his shit. But I can tell, because I'm his lady. Apparently our taps don't fit the adapters for the tub. Shit. He tells me to get on the bed. I thought my hips were going to pop out of my body. That's all I was complaining about. I didn't know how to lay on the bed, so I lay on my side. Yeah, I know, I already said I'm smarter than your average bear hahaha. Not long later the midwives come. They want to check me since they can tell I'm getting ready to have a baby. She wanted me to roll to my back, I bitchly said no. She tried to check me while I was on my side, and said I was 6cm. I instantly said I wanted to go to the hospital. They assured me that because of my position it was hard to get an accurate feel and I would need to lay on my back. I remember throwing myself to my back in between a contraction telling her to hurry up...lol. I didn't stay there long enough for her to check, but we all knew we were very close. They had me go on all fours in my bed, holding on to pillows and my giant headboard. I smashed my face into the pillows, closing my eyes, and relaxing into my own body to let the contractions take over and stop fighting them...well as much as I could.
I wasn't talking to anyone. I didn't want anyone touching me. I just wanted to be, and get through each contractions best I could.. With each contraction I was verbal. I was doing like a high pitched moaning, I sounded like I was having a good time to people in my townhouse complex I'm sure. My student midwife told me to make a deep groaning sound. You would think it would take a few contractions to take her word, but nope. Mid contraction I went deep groaning and instantly felt so much better. Wow. She talked to me while I groaned and said I felt like I wasn't getting a break in between contractions. No one argued with me. I uncontrollably started making this groaning I've never heard before. Well I've heard it while watching births on youtube and what not, but never out of me before. I've never been there before, but knew what that meant. My midwives told me what a good job I was doing. That it was a great sign to hear me pushing on my own. My body and baby were doing what was meant to happen. The pushing stage felt so much better. I always thought that would be the hardest part of the whole birth, but it was a pain reliever for me. As I was pushing, I got to a stage where all of the sudden I like snapped out of it. I was totally present in the room. For the first time I felt there. I had a break in contractions. I have no idea for how long, I'm sure it was short lived, but it was amazing. Then I felt my baby move down. Weird. All I could say was "Oh no", while my midwife said "Oh yes"....hahaha. Me and John still joke a bout it saying it was like the kool aid man. I did one giant push and my baby's head was out. No ring of fire that I've heard so much about. I just busted his head out like my life depended on it. John yelled super excitedly "His heads out!!!". Now in my mind, a this point, I've always pictured myself reaching down to feel him and to grab him myself. In real life at this moment, I just concentrated on getting him out. What I liked about midwives is no one told me when to push, for how long, when to stop, nothing. They let me do what my body wanted to do. I apparently didn't wait long until I had another huge contractions and birthed the rest of our son. He wasn't even done getting his face cleaned when he slid onto our bed. I jump back to look down between my legs to see this amazing and tiny little boy. I couldn't believe it. I believed in my body and baby, and actually birthed a baby. He was here!
It was 7.5 hours of labour with pushing before my son was here. It was 16.5 before our daughter was forced into the world. Funny how that worked. We suspected my labour and pushing would take long since this would be my first official birth, but it was quick. Leading us to believe it would of been like that if my daughter got to pick her own birth date.
We wanted to do delayed cord clamping. I sit above our son just looking at him. I didn't have many word come to my brain at that moment. I said "you hurt me" to my brand new baby. Everyone laughed. It was a great moment. That instant relief. I felt like I could birth 100 babies at that moment...lol. Funny how great you feel after just birthing your baby. My mom was right beside the bed, John was right beside me on the bed, midwives all around (there were 3), Jayla came walking in and see her little brother. Very unsure of how he was going to change her life. It was the birth I wanted. He was here, he had no name, but he was ready for one.
The midwives helped me lay on my back and bring Brody up to my chest. I instantly ripped off my shirt, naked with a room full of people, and didn't care. I was a mommy and my son needed to feel me. I grabbed him up and snuggled him. Just staring at his face. John got to cut the cord after it had stopped pulsating and we got that on video. We didn't capture much. Our good camera was not working. Yeah that Nikon we have, waiting to be used for this birth, has an error code...lol. Our purse camera, dead and no idea where the charger is, and video camera,...well someone thought they were recording, but really they hit end . I won't point any fingers, but his name starts with a J and ends with an ohn.... :-P John mom came in the room, not even knowing he was born yet. It was so quiet. My baby was just laying there breastfeeding helping me to birth my placenta. John's brother and my sister in law, my Poppa, and both our Moms were all at the house. We wanted to have a completely different birth, and made this a family event. And we couldn't be happier with that choice. <3 p="p">That night, as we had visits from our family, we noticed Brody was a very dark baby. Not like yellow, just dark like we weren't his parents dark. He just got darker after everyone had left. But I was a dark baby who is now as white as can be, so we just made jokes saying he was like me.
When you have midwives they come to your house no later than 24 hours after birth of baby. They very calmly said Brody appeared to have moderate to severe jaundice and that he should go for blood work. We didn't rush it. All I remember thinking is oh yellow babies, how bad could that be. I was uneducated. We brought him for his blood work, which breaks your heart because he's just so tiny. Before we even got home (we went out for lunch to talk to Jayla about everything) we had 3 messages on the phone saying Brody needed to be rushed to the hospital and admitted. We instantly were overcome with anxiety. What the hell is going on. We were told his bilirubin count was almost off the charts for his age. It was originally decided that I would room in with him, but that changed as soon as we got there. He was instantly taken away from us, and we were told he was getting an iv through his belly button. I was told I couldn't breastfeed him, that we needed to flush his body as fast as we could before damage set in. I know most people would think that should be the least of my worries, but I am very pro breastfeeding, and knew the hardships this would cause. I know my baby needed breast milk more than ever at this time in his life. But I agreed. I just wanted my baby to get better, and knew I would feed him soon.(i should add that on day 3 I think it was I was finally able to nurse him, and once my milk came in all his feeds were breast milk) Once we were told what was going on he was already in his "box" strapped down, tubes and wires everywhere, blindfolds on, and we couldn't hold him. He had stopped crying, and was now silent. We were told he was severely dehydrated and lethargic from his severe jaundice. We found out that his levels were so high he was almost sent to McMaster for a blood transfusion. I just didn't understand how serious this could be. I'm O+ and he is AB, so because of that he has blood incompatibility jaundice.
We also found he had a blood infection. They still are unsure of how he could actually get sick from it. The nurses told us that they've never had a baby there sick with it, and that the only kids they've seen get affected by it was those on chemo. They had little to no immune system. But our baby got sick. He was sicker than we thought he was. It was pretty downplayed compared to what we were being told once he started getting better.
We eventually got our little nugget home, but I felt like I had missed much important bonding time with him. Let me tell you, he is making up for it now. Never being able to put him down, or if he lets me I'm not allowed to leave his eye sight. lol
We are lucky enough to say we're parents to two kiddies. They both got here in different ways. Once you become educated on your choices you can help create the birth story you've always wanted, whatever that may be. ....although obviously if we get pregnant again the hospital stay is not on my list of repeats I'd like to happen
I'd be so interested in your birth stories! Or what you envision. If you have any questions, or want to share, please post in the comments :-)